… FACE TO FACE WITH REALITY

This can not be happening to us!

 

 

To undergo tests in order to find out possible problems with your fertility, it is clearly a psychological challenge. Even if you do not expect as result such a crucial information as you have just few more months to live and no one can help you, still, there is new life at stake, moreover, by pointing a finger at you and saying out loud, it is you who have a problem to bring that life into this world. I do not want to say you are treated in such a way by a doctor, but it is the inner feeling (one from so many)  you bring in with you while going to fertility clinic for the first time.

The first consultation with an IVF specialist I remember so clear as it has happened just now. I know how he looked (quite unconcerned), I know what he said (nothing to calm me down) and I was not sure where to look all the time. I dealt with an unreasonable feeling, that  whenever  he looks at me he sees right away  I’m not a real woman and it is me who has fertility problems. I know, it all sounds quite ridiculous  now, but that  shows how deeply frustrated I was.

Everything what followed then merges into one huge vibrant tangle based on rough information about who is going to have what tested, what would eventually follows with this and that result and how much it will cost.  They sent my husband for spermiogram check (and he has approached to it as to a death sentence), and I was going for blood tests and ultrasound. Those tests did not show  any problem with neither of us. To be honest, I did not know whether to be happy or not.

So no more test, lets try to conceive with modern techniques of artificial fertilization, we were advised. And than we will see. Well, maybe there was time to think twice, ask more questions, or consult with yet another clinic… But I was already walking this path… And wanted to get pregnant desperately! And pragmatic approach we were experiencing was currently the one I could easily align with and consider as the ideal starting point  because if they are so calm, than there is nothing to be worried about, is there?

And again, I was trapped in Internet discussions, breathlessly devoured all about how IT (IVF treatment) went for others, if IT was successful or not, why IT was not successful, what we should do to make IT work and what definitely not to! I was completely lost and could not find the only right direction, not knowing which one it actually was. I just kept asking myself, why is it happening to me? (There was no „us“, it was all about me failing as woman…).

We experienced two IVF treatment cycles. And those happened to be unsuccessful attempts. Than I found myself in much deeper despair. Also hormonal stimulation made my moods really unpredictable and I was hurting so much. I became bundle of itching nerves and vulnerability.  I refused to have another treatment, I was totally exhausted.

Going through this period brought quite nasty atmosphere to our lives. Calmness has melted away long ago, the days were so long and unspoken accusations hung over our relationship like heavy clouds before storm. My husband spent more and more time away from home and I stayed more often at home – hiding. I wasn´t able to see my friends, because they have children, also I avoided my sisters and their families as much as I could. I lived alone with my unhappy inner self.

Within our partnership we got quite far over safe borders – I shouted at my husband to finally leave me and get himself wife who he can have kids with. Because clearly the problem is with me, since his “swimmers“ are all perfect! So why to stay with me and waste his pressure time! I yelled many more ugly things at him since those were growing inside me unbearably. He eventually called me hysteric and slammed the door behind him many times. The situation was unassailable, and I knew something has to be done not to drown…

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